XTRO: Like a lost 80s Doctor Who episode – with more blood, boobs & birthing

Anyone who knows me is surely aware that I am something of a connoisseur of camp, a lover of terrible, obscure films. And if I was going to start a film blog, there would have to be a space for these masterpieces (or monstrosities) to dwell. So this is where Weird Wednesday comes into play, where I can talk about these lesser-known treats of insane filmmaking. And where better to start than with an 80s British sci-fi horror that feels like Doctor Who on steroids?

Released in 1983 – a year after E.T. hit screens – Xtro was directed by Harry Bromley Davenport, and tells the story of Tony (Simon Nash), a child who witnesses his father being abducted by aliens. Years later, Tony is living with his mother Rachel (Bernice Stegers), who is dating a man called Joe (Danny Brainin) and hires divalicious French au pair Analise (Maryam d’Abo) to (badly) look after Tony. Life seems fine… until Tony’s father Sam (Philip Sayer) returns to claim his son. The circumstances of Sam’s return, however, are far from normal. An alien lands in the countryside, and the design is both horrifying and totally unscary. The bit of genius is having the performer walk backwards in a crab, giving it a stilted, otherworld edge… but also, the rubber mask is pretty goofy. The alien kills a young couple and makes its way to a cottage, where it proceeds to attack the female owner and impregnate her before dissolving. What proceeds is an absolutely rancid birthing scene, as the woman becomes pregnant instantaneously, and then pushes Sam, fully grown, out into the world. Xtro really takes “they grow up so fast” to another level. And the effects are surprisingly solid – even if not super realistic, they evoke the nastiness of the concept in squeamish intensity.

As soon as Sam returns home, Rachel’s interest is rekindled, much to Joe’s chagrin. It’s not hard to see why: Sam is hot as fuck, and Joe a) has a terrible mullet, and b) is American, an unfortunate disadvantage. Thus ensues a battle of 80s machismo, vying for Rachel’s attention. Meanwhile, Sam reveals to Tony that his time away with the aliens has changed him, demonstrated by eating the eggs from Tony’s pet snake. In a heartwarming moment of father-son bonding, Sam teaches Tony how using his imagination can make things come true – I’m sure this won’t lead to anything bad… Tony immediately makes his toys come to life, including a meddlesome clown and a life-size toy soldier who immediately kills their nosey neighbour in one of the films weirdest sequences. Remember, this story started as a sci-fi horror, and now there’s a clown running around playing tricks on people. I don’t really get it either.

When Rachel and Sam decide to go to their cabin for the weekend (much to Joe’s anger), the little freak Tony is left with Analise, who promptly ignores him to fuck her boyfriend. Unfortunately, the clown is on the loose, and Analise is quickly incapacitated and cocooned, laying eggs for the clown to incubate in a vat of goop. Again, the effects are startlingly strong for such a low-budget film, and Analise in the birthing cocoon is one of the most memorable images. Tony goes to Joe’s studio and the two drive to the country house, where Rachel is discovering that something is very wrong with her husband: their love-making leads to his body disintegrating and returning to its alien form. Sam kills Joe when he arrives and takes Tony back to his ship, where they transform into X-ray skeletal alien figures – a million times cooler than the design at the start. Sam whisks Tony away to his planet, and Rachel is left alone, crying out for her son. She returns home and finds the alien eggs, which she picks up like an idiot, before it pops and she gets a throatful of tentacle.