Ah, children. You love ‘em. You hate ‘em. Sometimes they make you laugh, sometimes they make you scream. Do I want my own children someday? Probably. Do I want my own children after watching this film? I’m starting to question it. Mary Bronstein’s agonisingly cacophonous portrayal of the extremes of motherhood has attracted acclaim for its dark humour, cringily embarrassing plot and Oscar-nominated performance from Rose Byrne, and I’m happy to report that she more than lives up to the hype. As de facto single mother Linda (her husband (Christian Slater) is a ship captain and spends long weeks away from home), Byrne is left to provide for her nameless, mostly faceless daughter, who seems to be out to make her life as hard as possible. The daughter has a mysterious illness that requires her to be fed through a tube at night, and Linda cannot help but blame herself for the inadequacies in her care. But I don’t think she factored in one important detail: that child is the SPAWN OF SATAN. Look out Damien, the new Antichrist is here. Okay, so maybe this is just how children are. If that’s the case, keep them far away from me.
Bronstein’s film, her first in 17 years, opens with Linda buying her child a pizza, which is complicated as her daughter doesn’t want cheese. So when she drops the pizza and the cheese all falls off, the child laughs like an evil jester as she watches her struggling mother pick up the box and parse through its squashed contents. Arriving home, the daughter goes to the toilet and then informs her mother (a good couple of minutes after getting in the bathroom) that it is flooded. Linda heads upstairs and is horrified to watch the ceiling of her bedroom collapse, creating a large, ominous hole that will quickly become the nexus of chaos in her life. They are forced to move into a shitty motel run by the world’s most unhelpful desk clerk (Ivy Wolk). The film builds up a tense balancing act as Linda attempts to navigate her daughter’s treatment, her inability to get a good night’s sleep, and the fact that everyone and everything seems out to get her, all while still performing her job as a therapist. She also proves the “ultimate therapist” meme correct as she goes to her deadpan colleague (Conan O’Brien) to unload her own mental health issues, then pops back down the hall to listen to Gen Z brats complain about being banned from clothing stores, or men who have repeated dreams about making out with her.
You know you’re fucked when your therapist makes this face.
There are also some classic A24 surrealist elements, as Linda returns to her apartment to check the hole and starts to see strange lights coming from within. It’s very much like the opal sequences in Uncut Gems, which interestingly was written by Bronstein’s husband (minds melding together perhaps). Linda enlists her motel neighbour Jamie (A$AP Rocky), who is buying her a brick of cocaine from the dark web, to come check out the damage, but they end up getting high in her apartment whilst her daughter sleeps back at the motel. There is a positive though – Linda is at least aware she is not a very good mother. But in her position, could anyone be? Things are further complicated when one of her patients disappears, leaving her baby at the office, and her husband is reluctant to come pick up his child. The general theme of the film seems to be that literally no-one is capable of anything, which any adult will know is entirely relatable.
Becoming more and more exhausted and desperate, Linda starts to consider her daughter’s illness and whether she can sort it out herself. In a moment of weakness she agrees to let her daughter get a hamster, which turns out to be an actual demon from hell with some wonderfully silly puppet work. Though the story is heavy it is a black comedy, and there are as many absurdist moments that will make you laugh out loud as there are awful things to make you wince. The hamster is sadly (or not) short-lived, but her daughter’s piercing screams will not be cut off. Honestly I was waiting for most of the fim for Linda to have the most valid crashout of all time, because I just cannot imagine dealing with even 1% of this and not spontaneously combusting.
When you look into the hole, the hole looks into you… or whatever.
I will admit I am a little perplexed by the ending and overall message of the film, whether it has more to say than simply “look at how awful having a child can be”. Obviously it delves into the anxieties of raising a child, judging yourself as a parent, and as annoying as she is you can’t deny sympathy towards the daughter. But as everyone repeatedly ignores Linda’s obvious cries for help – sometimes literally to their face – it’s hard not to feel desperation alongside her. Bringing a child into the world is a gamble, and if you aren’t prepared for whatever possibility life throws at you – sickness, disability, or just a level of care higher than the average – then you need to consider if it is the right time for you. For example, I can barely take care of myself without my whole effort, so the concept of caring for another living thing is so far out of my mind it might as well be on another planet. I’m only a couple years younger than my parents when they had me, and granted, they were already married and owned a house whilst I sit here single and paying extortionate London rent, but the idea of being ready for children in two years is absolutely absurd. Sorry mum and dad, you’ll have to wait a bit longer for the grandkids.
I know the Best Actress race this year seems locked up by Jessie Buckley, but I really see a world where Rose Byrne deservingly lifts the golden trophy in a month’s time. She is truly phenomenal, relatable, layered and absolutely devastating. It’s hard to watch at times, to see her so distressed and completely helpless, with the weight of the world on her shoulders. Bronstein uses every second of this to its full advantage as well, utilising extreme close-ups to highlight the nuances of Byrne’s performance, and there is barely a second where she isn’t on screen. It’s going to be a fierce fight to the top on Oscar night.
2 in the morning, hair frazzled, clutching wine like a baby… I’ve been there, girl.
If I Had Legs I’d Kick You is a tough watch, in places laugh-out-loud funny, in others laden with second-hand embarrassment, and sometimes it genuinely feels painful to witness. But as a character study it’s pretty flawless and will certainly be a defining film in the canon of cinema about the pain of motherhood. Many of this year’s Oscar nominees feature parent-child relationships; perhaps we are all thinking, in this darkening, unpredictable world, about the people closest to us. Back in the day parenthood was an expectation, but there was also a lot more support when you could raise a family, own a house, etc. on a single income. In 2026, less people are having children because our generation simply cannot afford it, emotionally, physically, mentally. Our time, our money, our sanity is precious. Maybe this film will be a prophylactic for some. Maybe it will be a reminder to check in on the people closest to you for others. It’s cheesy, but it does recall an oft-quoted Philip Larkin poem:
‘Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.’
Director: Mary Bronstein
Cast: Rose Byrne, Conan O’Brien, A$AP Rocky, Christian Slater
Runtime: 114m
Certificate: 15
Country: USA
Images: A24, Central Pictures, Fat City, Bronxburgh